How to stop people pleasing– learning to say no

Learning to say no

If you are in the habit of saying ‘Yes’ when you really want to say ‘No’ you might be a people-pleaser.

Maybe you are afraid of upsetting others or fear their disapproval.

Or maybe you want to be liked or valued and believe that doing things to please others will bring this about.

Does either (or both) sound like you?

Whether you consider ‘yessing’ to be congeniality or compliance, these behaviour patterns can lead to a range of problems practically and emotionally.

A good proportion of clients who book to see me for help to improve low self-esteem or to overcome Imposter Syndrome, are also eager to stop people-pleasing.

Routinely agreeing to the requests of others, or falling in with their plans, may seem an easy and safe option.

It may initially feel much more comfortable to say yes, rather than no.

But what happens when it isn’t easy or uncomplicated?

How is it when you’re crazy busy or are already doing a shedload of unpaid overtime?

Or worse, still doing a load of stuff for someone else?

If you go along with another person’s agenda when you’re ‘up against it’ yourself, you may expect them to show gratitude or feel indebted to you.

And if this doesn’t happen, how are you likely to feel?

My guess is that you may feel resentful or angry. You may also be frustrated with yourself for not saying ‘no’. And you’ll probably also be exhausted.

If you always put others before yourself, you are likely to experience internal conflict at times.

One part of you may be pleased to help or to go along with the wishes of others. The other part may feel upset or irritated that your wishes or opinions weren’t sought.

When we aren’t true to ourselves, or we regularly suppress our needs for the benefit of another, we can feel used.

But is it the other person’s fault? What role do we play in this scenario?

It is our responsibility to communicate our wishes, to say ‘no’ when we don’t want to do something.

To ‘blame’ the other person (or people) for exploiting us or being inconsiderate is, in my view, unreasonable.

Should we really expect them to read our minds or to know intuitively what we are happy with and what we are not, to know that we don’t mean what we say?

Most people will take us at our word or choose not to double-check our motivation especially if it suits them, but the majority of folk do not intend to be unkind.

Sadly, some folk will deliberately take advantage of those who don’t set boundaries or articulate clearly what is agreeable or acceptable. It would be easy to criticise them for doing so, but they are probably not heartless people. They have simply become conditioned to expect a ‘yes’.

Does that give them a licence to be selfish? No, of course not.

But even people who are usually considerate can start to ‘take the p*ss’ when they become accustomed to getting their way or meeting no resistance.

Becoming assertive is integral to ending people-pleasing behaviour.

We need the people we interact with to recognise that we mean what we say. They need to understand us without having to decode subtle hints, body language, or passive-aggressive behaviour.

Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. It’s simply a way of communicating that is confident and straightforward, that doesn’t involve blame, manipulation or unnecessary emotion.

Stating your needs or choices may seem scary initially, but it will reap results and it will be liberating.

When you become confident to express yourself honestly and openly, you will not only improve your relationships with others, but more importantly with yourself. Your confidence and self-esteem will soar, and you’ll generate the respect that you deserve.

If ‘yes’ is your default response to almost every request from those in your orbit . . .

Get in touch to find out how we could work together to boost your assertiveness and your boundary setting.

You may be pleasantly surprised how quickly you can change old habits and old unhelpful beliefs. Does that sound good?

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