TIME TO READ:
It is commonly said that ‘We are the product of our life experiences’, and this is true.
Naturally, genetics play a role in our development, but we are fundamentally shaped by the lived experience of our early years.
Throughout our life we collect and store memories at a conscious and unconscious level and these memories shape how we feel about ourselves. Through repetition, our minds become conditioned to thinking and feeling in a certain way which becomes our default position.
Understandably, our inner state is reflected in our ‘outer’ self. Whether we are confident and grounded with a strong sense of self, or fearful and insecure, will principally be governed by our upbringing and childhood experiences.
Lack of confidence, self-imposed limitations and self-esteem issues are predominantly a consequence of how we were raised and what we experienced and witnessed along the way.
If we navigated childhood and teenage years relatively smoothly and experienced love, guidance and support from our parents or caregivers, we may be deemed to have had a ‘functional’ childhood.
If we experienced emotional neglect (our physical needs were met, but not our emotional ones) or we were deprived of praise or encouragement, we may lack confidence as an adult.
If we were routinely criticised, disparaged, or abused we will certainly suffer a range of psychological consequences.
Adverse Childhood Experiences (or ACE’s) affect how an individual navigates life and its trials.
ACE’s result in insecurity, feelings of low self-worth or a sense of being unlovable. The more ACE’s that a child experiences, the more likely they are to be psychologically wounded.
This often manifests in insecurity and a need for continual reassurance from friends or partners. The ability to sustain healthy, functional relationships with partners is likely to be reduced too.
If the childhood home was volatile (with violence, addiction or repeated arguments, for instance) they may (unconsciously) seek out chaotic relationships. This is because it’s familiar; it’s an uncomfortable, comfort zone.
For those growing up in a turbulent setting, a calm home or steady relationship can feel boring. These folk may reject or jeopardise stable relationships for the excitement of an unsuitable or unreliable connection.
It’s important to say that no matter how damaging it is, a dysfunctional upbringing isn’t necessarily abusive, and emotional neglect may not be deliberate.
Harm can occur without malice or intention, rather through the poor judgement of the caregiver, their physical or mental health or their own upbringing.
Parents who have experienced inadequate parenting themselves won’t have learned the skills to do the best job of raising children and will often treat their child as they were treated. Sadly, this pattern can continue for generations and recognising the deficiencies in their childhood experience is not enough to break that pattern.
When an individual seeks professional help to address their own issues, there is a prospect of change in their internal landscape, which can lead to a shift in their attitude and actions.
It’s also essential to consider that a child can sometimes misinterpret the behaviour of parents or caregivers and can blame themselves for situations for which they bear no responsibility, such as relationship breakdown or divorce.
Situations involving adults can be complex and confusing and the child may make flawed causal connections which they accept as true. These beliefs can remain embedded within them, unchallenged throughout their life. Children lack the life experience to give context to troubling situations of which they have no understanding.
Example Case 1:
Mandy (not her real name) grew up with her mother, younger sister ‘Sharon’ and stepfather ‘Frank’.
Frank was a heavy drinker, who relied for cash on criminal activities. Mandy’s mother did ‘a bit of this and a bit of that’ which included sex work. Drugs were bought and sold in the home. The house was always a mess, and the girls had to look after themselves. They went to school without breakfast or suitable clothing or footwear. Violence between Frank and his wife was common, and Mandy was frequently beaten by her mother and sexually abused by her stepfather. Mandy married young and never wanted children.
When I met her, Mandy explained that she’d been obsessive about housework since she left home and felt the need to redecorate on a near annual basis. She understood that her compulsive cleaning stemmed from living in squalor as a child but didn’t recognise her need for control. Mandy didn’t mind other people’s homes looking ‘lived in’ (indeed she preferred that as she said she was more relaxed when she didn’t feel the need to polish a tap whenever she passed it or pour bleach down the loo after every flush).
Despite being diagnosed with OCD by her GP many years earlier during a particularly stressful period, Mandy had never considered therapy until her mother became terminally ill. With her stepfather dead and her sister disabled, the only person able to care for her mother was Mandy. She accepted this responsibility and spent hours each day taking care of the woman who had abused and neglected her. Mandy slept poorly and skipped meals; she lost a lot of weight. After the funeral, Mandy admitted she needed help to process the trauma she had experienced from a young age.
Example case 2:
Sarah (not her real name), a mother of two told me during our meeting, that her oldest daughter wasn’t ‘the sharpest tool in the box’ and gave an example of something ‘dumb’ that her 20-year-old daughter had said.
Whilst the ‘thing’ that ‘Caroline’ didn’t know was something that one might expect to be taught in science at junior school, for some reason, Caroline had not learned this. And to be fair, it wasn’t something most people would wake up one morning ‘just knowing’.
‘Sarah’ went on to explain that Caroline had stated that she wanted to enrol at college to train for a better job, but that she had tried to dissuade her, telling her she would find it too difficult.
I did my best to stop my eyebrows raising.
I knew that Sarah loved her daughter so asked why she had tried to put Caroline off from pursuing her dream career. “It’s a tough world out there” she said, “I don’t want her to be disappointed.”.
A conversation ensued where we discussed the pros and cons of her daughter giving the course her best shot and discovering for herself whether she could gain the required qualification.
“But that’s how my mum was with me”, Sarah said.
I paused for a while.
Comprehension spread slowly across Sarah’s face. You might not be surprised that Sarah was consulting me because she was struggling with her lack of assertiveness in the workplace and being taken advantage of pay and hours-wise, by her employer. A year later Caroline booked to see me for help to improve her confidence.
What is Inner Child Healing and why is Inner Child Healing good for low-self-esteem?
The concept that underpins this powerful therapy is that no matter what age we are now, we all have a ‘child’ within us.
Whether our inner child’s experience was generally positive or negative will be reflected in our behaviour and responses as an adult; how our ‘child’ feels at any moment is mirrored in our grown-up self.
If our ‘inner child’ feels good and positive, then consequently so does the adult. If our ‘inner child’ feels sad or lacks self-esteem, so too does our adult self.
Our behaviour and responses are driven by early memories and the experiences of ‘our inner child’.
Upsetting emotions can be triggered by environments or situations that appear similar to previous upsetting or traumatic events which is why we are sometimes surprised by our reactions to certain situations or the reactions of others.
A child who experienced routine criticism from parents or caregivers will take that criticism with them into adulthood where it will operate as a critical inner voice.
Healing the inner child through bonding with them, listening to them and offering them what they need is paramount.
The love and support that may have been missing in their early years can be directed towards their inner child through this guided process. Maladapted beliefs rooted in the past can be released to allow for a new, more positive narrative. They can learn to treat themselves with kindness, love and compassion. As the journey of rebuilding a healthy relationship with themselves continues they will notice improved self-esteem and less critical ‘head chatter’. This can lead to shifts within the individual and changes to how they how they function in the world.
Inner Child Healing won’t remove traumatic memories, but it can change how we view them.
It’s a beautifully gentle process which allows us to release the effects of past trauma and any associated negative beliefs we may hold about ourselves. It has been said that “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood” and that’s because Inner Child work can have a profound effect on how we feel when we think about ourselves, our past, and our future.
Hypnotherapy and Inner Child Healing are effective methods of processing ACE’s and the wounds of a dysfunctional childhood, and I have used them often with clients for whom a traditional long-term counselling or psychotherapy approach feels daunting. If you hate the idea of unpicking every childhood scenario, my solution-directed approach may appeal to you.
Do you struggle with any of the issues described in this article or recognise that you have unhealthy coping strategies that may be due to unresolved issues from the past?
If you would like to find out ways that I can support you then please book a call with me, I’d love to hear from you.
I offer online and face-to-face therapy sessions and also 3-day Intensive Therapy Retreats in Hebden Bridge, West Yorkshire that consist of daily, extended one-to-one therapy sessions. Intensive therapy is powerful work for people who want to go ‘all in’ and get results in days, rather than weeks or months. During this time, you’ll be my only client so will receive my undivided attention.
