I’m worth more than this, aren’t I?
Overdue for a catch-up I shared a brew (then a beer) with Sally, a friend I’d not seen for a while.
I quickly noticed that her previously effusive chatter about her newish partner Rob had shifted to a more guarded tone. The end of ‘the honeymoon period’, when you realise that the person you’re in a relationship with is human and not a God, is to be expected a few months (or years) into a relationship, but the change in her demeanour was so marked that I was concerned.
Sally [not her real name] explained that she’d noticed a change in Rob’s attitude towards her. Previously amiable and considerate, he now seemed distant, self-interested, and at times, critical. After several ‘I’m probably being oversensitive’ and ‘he is stressed at work’ type comments, she admitted to feeling unloved and unappreciated.
“Have you talked to Rob about how you feel?” I asked. Apparently, he’d told her everything was fine, and she was imagining it. Sally was left distressed, anxious, and confused, and not for the first time.
So, why do some women attract partners who are thoughtful, open, and honest (and remain so throughout the relationship), while others, like Sally, seem to be a magnet for disrespectful or emotionally unavailable men?
It pretty much always comes down to self-esteem, or more accurately, the lack of it.
Women whose self-esteem is low are more likely to tolerate rudeness or belittling language from partners or to make excuses for their behaviour. Sometimes the fear of losing a relationship (or the dream of what it could have been) can result in them ‘accepting’ what others would consider unacceptable. Those with higher self-esteem know that they deserve respect and aren’t afraid to walk away from people who are abusive or manipulative, or when the relationship isn’t nurturing.
None of us is immune to the poor behaviour of others but avoiding (or leaving) relationships that are one-sided or unfulfilling is our responsibility.
It’s important to be clear about what you are looking for in a relationship and what you are prepared to bring to it.
Set boundaries that align with your values and don’t invest time in anyone whose language or deeds aren’t consistent with what you want or how you want to feel. By doing this you will attract healthier, more functional relationships into your life.
After chatting with Sally about her relationship with Rob she recognised that she hadn’t set boundaries and there had been red flags which she’d chosen to ignore because she didn’t want to spoil the dream of what might have been.
If you’re feeling neglected or taken advantage of in your relationship, make a little time to take stock.
Be prepared to ask yourself difficult questions about how healthy or functional your relationship really is. Reflect on what you are getting from it now, not how it was before or how you hope it will be in the future. If you’re unhappy about your partner’s attitude towards you, don’t make excuses for them or blame someone (or something) else for their behaviour. Resist any temptation to try to change them or ‘save them’ through your love.
If they have issues from their childhood, a previous relationship, past trauma, etc they need a therapist, and they need to initiate finding one themselves. Attempting to love them ‘better’ or fix them may make you feel important/special/needed but is destructive (as well as futile) and can also lead to unhealthy, co-dependent patterns.
Next steps . . .
If you’ve experienced a break-up, are anticipating or planning one, and you’re eager to attract more respectful and loving partners in the future, let’s have a chat about how I can help.
Friends and family are often a great support, but sometimes can be too emotional, too close, or too ready to give advice. I will have your back without having an opinion on your history, or you. I love watching my clients grow in self-esteem and confidence that extends way beyond their relationships.
If you’d like to find out more about what I do or how I could help, book a free phone consultation so we can see if we’re a good fit and if we are, to plan the next steps. I would love to hear from you.
